I want you to know it has never been easy for me. Loving you that is. Loving anything for that matter. Do you know how frightening it is to be open and vulnerable? Every moment afraid that it will all fall apart. Excuse my cynical mind, but the end is all I’ve ever known. Will you stay or will you go? Love me now? Or love me never? The old question is purposed, to be or not to be? It is all a sick game in my mind, and the sickest part is this. It is all in my head. I tell myself, love will make him stay, but how can love be strong enough to make someone stay?
There are two ghost who periodically come to me. One comes in the form of a bear, the other, a bird. I love these ghost as if they were mine to keep, but I begrudgingly know, you cannot love a wild animal. The bird, comes and goes,as most birds do. He does not leave for shelter he leaves in fear. He leaves in fear of being left, but oh, little bird, do you not know that I will always be here? I will be your shelter in the storm, the little bird finds shelter in me, then leaves again when the sun shines. The bear, oh how I have loved you deeply. People see this bear and flee in fear, but not me. I, unafraid, approached the bear, and boy did he fight! He refused to show love because why love when everyone else runs? I was not afraid. I stayed by that bears side until he knew, to me, he was not a monster. The bear was a drifter, but not by choice. He had a temper, every time he found a home his temper would show, and they would shoo him away. The bear needed love. He searched for it in all the wrong places, but did he not see the one who loved him was me? I loved him, but my love was simply not enough. These are my ghost, my beautiful, troubled ghost.